What Will Get Me To Vote?

The day we get a candidate to get up and pledge the following ...

As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. When elected I will give the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be completed within 30 days.

Upon completion of this action, I will then begin taking the following actions. First, I will make two lists - one with the names of countries which stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list, as you know, will be short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list will contain every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations will be on that list. Both of these lists will be published for the world to see.

Upon their publication, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 will cease immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone should pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER, IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China.

I will order the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. I will instruct the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets before I'm elected or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. Due to the actions I will be taking in Iraq, I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around and guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, that's right, border security. Those that will be left over will be assigned to the Department of Immigration and be used to round up illegals and send them home to wherever they came from. If they are from countries on List 1, they will be allowed to apply for citizenship. Oh, by the way, the United States will be abrogating the NAFTA treaty upon my election. We are tired of the one-way highway.

Also I will be authorizing drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I will offer you List 2: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin." Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought: Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. I hereby place all of tis on the public record, and ask that you all request your Senators and Congressmen do the same. For those unwilling to do so for any reason, find another canidate who will and vote them out of office. It's about time we made changes in line with the best interests of the voting public. God bless America. I thank you in advance for your vote and good night.