Joke - The Father of Many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'


The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Joke of the Day

The Italian Elbow

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301

There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.

When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?  "What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"

Joke of the Day

An Oldie – But Always Funny

Are you a Martha or a Maxine?

Stuff  a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice  cream cone to prevent ice cream  drips.

Just  suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the  cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on  the couch with your feet up eating it,  anyway!

To  keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in  the bag with the  potatoes.

Buy  Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the  pantry for up to a  year.

When  a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,  use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there  won't be any white mess on the outside of the  cake.

Go  to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it  for you!

If  you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's  still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it  will absorb the excess salt for an instant  'fix-me-up.'

If  you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,  that's too bad. Please recite with me the real  woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I  don't care how bad it  tastes!'

Wrap  celery in aluminum foil when putting in the  refrigerator and it will keep for  weeks.

Celery?  Never heard of it!

Brush  some beaten egg white over pie crust before  baking to yield a beautiful glossy  finish.

The  Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include  brushing egg whites over the crust, so I  don't.

Cure  for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and  rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go  away.

Take  a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and  drink! All your  pains go away!

Don't  throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into  ice cubes for future use in casseroles and  sauces.

Leftover  wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

How Bad Is The Economy?

Why do cats have to be so dramatic?

The Economy – How Bad Is It?

The economy is soooo bad ….

• CEO's are now playing miniature golf
• Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes
• Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM
• Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package:  GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup
• McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names
• A truck full of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico
• The most highly-paid job is now jury duty
• Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting
• People in Africa are donating money to Americans
• Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
• Motel Six won't leave the light on
• The Mafia is laying off judges 
  And finally...
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
  
  Hey, neat..the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Joke of the Day - "Catholic Health Insurance"

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law'.

Joke of the Day - Cake or Bed

A husband is at home watching a Football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, Could you fix the light in the hallway?  It's been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily, “fix the lights now? Does it look like I have Western Power written on my forehead? I don't think so.”

Fine, Then the wife asks, “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door?  Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.”

Fine, she says, “Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break .” “I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps.  I don't think so.  I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!”

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours … after which he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house , he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, “how'd all this get fixed?”  She said, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake?”  She replied, “Hellooo.. Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?  I don't think so!”

Smart Ass Answer of the Year

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

How Italians Do Business

Luigi says to his son, "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." Son says, "I will choose my own bride!!! 
Luigi says, "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.."
Son answers, "Well, in that case . . . ok."

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, "I have a husband for your daughter..."
Bill Gates answers, "But my daughter is too young to marry!!" Luigi says, "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates answers: "Ah, in that case . . . ok."

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank. Luigi says, "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
The president answers, "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Luigi says, "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
The president answers, "Ah, in that case . . . ok."

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

Joke of the Day – The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."  "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Remember “Hollywood Squares”?

If  you remember the original Hollywood  Squares TV show and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These  great questions and answers are from the days when the  " Hollywood  Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as  they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of  course..

Q.  Do  female frogs croak?  
A.  Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long  enough.
   
Q.If  you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should  you be?
A.  Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
  
Q.  True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000  years.  
A.  George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
  
Q.You've  been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a  woman?
A.  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
  
Q.  According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and  you  think  that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's  married?
A.  Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q.Which  of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?  
A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love  You"?  
A.  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a  twenty.

Q.As  you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your  hands while talking?
A.  Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,  and I'll give you a gesture you'll never  forget.
  
Q. Paul, why  do Hell's Angels wear leather?  
A.  Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
  
Q.Charley,  you've just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to  get any during the first year?
A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing  strawberries.

Q. In  bowling, what's a perfect score?  
A.  Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q.  It is  considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist  camps.  One is politics, what is the  other?  
A.  Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a  tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the  closet?  
A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the  bedroom.

Q. Can boys  join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.  Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you  pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What will a  goose do?  
A.  Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you  were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?  
A.  Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the  dark.

Q. According  to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the  habit of kissing a lot of people?  
A..  Charley Weaver: It got me out of the  army.  
Q.  It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?  
A.  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't  neglected.  
Q.Back  in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,  what was he trying to do?
A.  George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your  elephant?  
A.  Paul Lynde: Who told you about my  elephant?
  
Q.When  a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?  
A.  Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to  him.

Q.  Jackie  Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has  actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they?  
A.  Charley Weaver: His feet.
  
Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do  in bed?  
A.  Paul Lynde: Point and laugh 

Joke of the Day – “Margaritas”

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?  Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
 
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.  Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.  You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.  Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
 
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.  However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Attraction to the same sex
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 

Joke of the Day – The Atheist

Received this from a friend and thought it worth putting on my Blog.  Hope you like it.

__________________________________

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!  'What powerful rivers!  'What beautiful animals! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'  Time Stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.  'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.'  'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

OK! OK! , so maybe it isn't real funny!

Joke of the Day - Chinese Sick Leave

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at wok soon ...by way, you got nice house'

One of My All Time Favorite Jokes

A friend recently sent this to me. When I first heard this joke told, it was done with a bar room setting. I think both renditions are funny, and I'm not really sure which I like the best. You read them both and let me know which you like the best.

THE IRS SETTING:
______________________________

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and
said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says , 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' The auditor can plainly see that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

THE BAR SETTING
___________________________________

A construction worker walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender says, "that'll be $3.50". The construction worker says, "Are you a betting man?" The bartender says, "I've been known to make a wager or two."

The construction workers says, "I'll bet you $25 dollars and a beer I can bite my own eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "It's a bet." The construction worker takes a glass eyeball out of his left eye and places it between his teeth and bites it." The bartenders mouth drops and he admits that he lost and places $25 dollars and a beer on the bar.

Next, the construction worker says, "Are you still a betting man?" "Well, sure ...", the bartender says, "I'd like a chance to get my money back." The construction worker says, "I'll bet you $50 dollars I can bite my right eye." The bartender can see that the man is not blind and finally accepts the bet. The construction worker then takes out his false teeth and proceeds to bite his right eye. Visibly upset the bartender places $50 and another beer in front of the construction worker.

After finishing the beer the construction worker calls the bartender over and asks if he would like another chance to get his money back. Naturally the bartender agrees. The construction worker says, "I'll bet you double or nothing that I can stand on one end or your bar and piss into a glass placed at the other end." The bartender looks up and down the bar and says, "No way, you're on!"

The construction worker precedes to stand on one end of the bar, unzips his pants and proceeds to pee all over the bar, not even coming close to the glass placed at the end. The bartender comes up, all excited and laughing like crazy, and says, "I knew you couldn't do it, why did you make such a foolish bet?"

The construction worker says, " See those three guys sitting at that table over by the wall? I bet them $100 dollars apiece that I could stand up on your bar, piss all over it and make you laugh like hell!.

Finding Inner Peace

Finding Inner Peace at this Time of the Year:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more inner peace. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace . Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.

Happy Holidays!

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog (coquito ) as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming" WOO HOO what a ride.